When Your Spouse Isn’t What You Expected: An Interview with Jennifer

In the following interview, Jennifer (41) talks about meeting her husband, Alex, on the mission field. He wasn’t what she expected! But as she says in the interview, they have discovered they are better off together. Jennifer, Alex, and their three children live in Panama.

BTO: How did the two of you meet?

Jennifer: I am from Oregon, and Alex is from Panama, and we met in Panama where I was working as a missionary with Youth With A Mission. We met briefly at his home church, but the first meeting I remember was when he came to the YWAM base to hear about our Discipleship Training School, which he later joined as a student. Alex was a bit shy, and so he brought a friend along. His friend was very chatty, and Alex didn’t say a word. Nothing stuck out to me about him at first, but as we worked together in YWAM, we got to know each other better and saw how our personalities fit together. I liked that he was calm and thoughtful; he knew I was opinionated and stubborn, and this turned out to fit well together.

BTO: What did you learn about the Lord and relationship with Him during your single years?

Jennifer: During my single years, I fully took advantage of the time to serve God and went on many adventures within missions. I don’t regret at all the time I invested in missions. Perhaps my only regret is not spending more time investing in growing as a person. I learned a lot about serving and laying down my rights. I learned a lot about getting along with different types of people through living and working in a Christian community. I think this was a wonderful preparation for marriage, as I was used to sharing my space and giving up my preferences for others.

BTO: How has your relationship with God grown now that you are married?

Jennifer: Being married, and of course parenthood, teaches you a lot about God’s love. You learn to really love another person, believe the best about them, and practice forgiveness over and over. One of the best ways I have grown through marriage is by learning to see life and God through Alex’s perspective. Alex’s culture and background are very different from my own, and I have learned to appreciate the wisdom in the differences, rather than judging everything different as “wrong.” I would say in my early 20s, I was pretty sure all my opinions were right! Now, just after having my 41st birthday, I have learned to be humble and really listen to others. Much of that I have learned through being married to someone who sees life very differently than I do.

It also helps me to not see God just through an American lens. My view of God is bigger than it was before.

BTO: What advice would you give singles who are waiting to meet the right person?

Jennifer: I would say that everyone’s story is different, so don’t compare yourself to others. When I met Alex, he wasn’t at all like the person I pictured myself marrying, but we are better together. I would say for those thinking about the kind of person they want to marry, don’t get caught up on specifics, like physical appearance, interests, talents, or profession. Character is so much more important than any of those things. When you have a crying newborn in the middle of the night, you don’t really care if your husband plays guitar, has a certain color of eyes, or has good fashion sense. You need him to have a servant heart, compassion, and humility.

The other advice I would give is to invest in yourself and grow as a person. Pursue your interests, serve God, and go on adventures. Learn to have healthy friendships and good boundaries. Marriage will stretch you in many ways, so become the healthiest and happiest version of yourself that you can.

BTO: At this stage of your marriage, what is God talking to you about?

Jennifer: In our marriage right now, God is teaching us about surrender. We just finished staffing an intensive twelve-week family camp. During those weeks, we had time to think and pray about our relationship, family, and where we are going. A theme that came up again and again was to ask ourselves if God has our “yes” in every area. “Is there any area where I am not giving God a ‘yes’?”

One area that God highlighted to us was our family size. After my youngest was born (she is 5 now), I suffered severe postpartum depression. We made a logical decision to have her be our last child, based on how difficult that time was. During these last months, we felt like God really wanted us to surrender control over that decision and let Him speak into it. Trusting God with those decisions is hard because we want to protect ourselves from things going wrong. As we surrendered, we were able to have really good conversations and bring the question before God. After talking, we both felt at peace with our decision to not have another child, but we also released it to God and gave Him permission to speak to us if He wanted that to change. We didn’t feel any condemnation from Him about having made the decision before based on our own wisdom, but we felt He was inviting us to trust Him more. There was a lot of freedom in surrendering that, and all our family decisions, to Him.

Our missionary lifestyle can easily be judged or misunderstood by others, and it doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. So we have to surrender those opinions and trust that God is leading us into His best for our family, and that includes His best for our children, even if their childhood doesn’t look like their friends’ back in the United States.

Check out a few of our other love-story interviews:

For more information on sex, marriage, and finding the person who is right for you, get a copy of Becoming the One by Salomé Roat. Click here to learn more. The book is also available in Spanish.

Becoming the OneJuly 7, 2021Comment